As I write this, I am 17 weeks pregnant.
It took me until 14 weeks to start allowing myself to be excited. And even now, I vacillate between completely delighted and extremely anxious.
I have wanted to be a parent for a long time. There were many years when I wanted it so badly that I would tear up anytime I thought about having a kid, anytime I saw a kid. Most of those years were years I was single; one and a half of those years were when we were in deep COVID lockdown.
In 2020, I started writing a collection of stories about a single woman in her 30s (it could have been anyone!) who wanted a partner and a kid more than anything. She was so anxious about it that she could not hold it together long enough to go on a normal first date. Each person she met, she would just word-vomit because she “just wanted to put everything out there, up front, so that no one wasted their time!” I thought that if I wrote this woman as a character, I would not need to become her. I’m not sure it worked, but it was highly cathartic.
In 2021, I started writing a story about a woman who decided to just go it alone and have a kid by herself. She could do this thanks to her independent spirit, a generous sperm donor, and a gracious network of friends and family who would be there for her when she needed them. I thought that if I wrote this woman as a character, I could become her: confident, action-oriented, and totally chill when it came to dating because she didn’t need it; she already had everything she needed.
And the thing was, I wasn’t that far from being that woman when I met Alex. I told him when we met that I wasn’t looking for anything serious - that I, in fact, had plans to have a child by myself. Plans that need not involve him at all. But if he wanted to hang out, casually, that was okay with me, as long as he understood that my life, my dog, my eventual child, would all come first. I did not tell him this from a place of anxiety - it was simply a fact. If he was no longer interested, that was fine. I was completely uninvested, or trying to be.
As we got to know each other, I tried to keep enough distance to remain casual, even mysterious. I did not want to become wrapped up in a relationship that could possibly go somewhere, but more than likely would not, because that was just how things seemed to go. I was not about to change or postpone my plans, again, for some man I barely knew.
You probably know what happened next:
Alex continued to show up in ways that were not at all casual.
He loved planning dates. He was an enthusiastic texter. When we saw each other, he wanted to hear how I was feeling - like really feeling. And he could not wait to introduce me to his friends.
I think it was when I met his friends that I knew I was screwed. They were so kind, so generous, so delighted to meet me. And it was clear that they absolutely loved Alex. Never had I met a group of a man’s friends so eager to know me, and so enthusiastic to welcome me into their lives.
Meanwhile, I was meeting with OHSU’s fertility clinic and securing sperm donations.
It took me three months to finally ask myself if I was being stubborn and foolish by rejecting anything more than a “casual relationship” with Alex. It took several more conversations with friends before I heard myself: “He remembers everything I tell him; he asks so many questions; he’s such a planner; he follows through; he wants me to hang out all the time - and with his friends, too!” I would say these things as if they were an inconvenience to me - “I’ve told him about my plans to have a kid, and I’ve told him that I want a casual relationship!” I complained to my friends. And every time, they rolled their eyes, kindly, and said, “Well, it sounds like he really, really likes you… Do you like him?”
I admitted that yes, I did like him very much.
“Okay… So, maybe what’s the problem?” they would ask.
A year and a half later, we decided that we wanted to co-parent together. A month later, we got engaged. Three months after that, we got married. Now, I’m 17 weeks pregnant.
That is, of course, a highlight reel. Also in the time we’ve been together, we’ve had many difficult conversations where he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids or not; we had one unplanned pregnancy early on that we chose to end; we had a planned one last fall that ended in miscarriage. We have discussed our fears surrounding commitment, marriage, having kids; we have spent many hours with our couples’ therapist, and even taken a guided MDMA journey that focused specifically on trust, commitment, and parenthood. We have stressed over dog care and training, and had many missed connections and miscommunications. There were times when I wasn’t sure if we wanted the same things, and times when we definitely didn’t want the same things. But what is amazing to me is the fact that we continue to work through it. Sure, sometimes one or both of us shoves our feelings down, or tries to avoid conflict, but eventually, we bring it up - sometimes many times, until we start to feel like, “Okay, we can handle this; it doesn’t have to be so scary.”
I have heard people say that they are more in love with their partners after 30 years than they were in the beginning, that love grows and shifts in ways they could not have anticipated. And I am so excited to feel how our relationship evolves, how our love grows and shifts, especially as we get to know each other as co-parents.
I can’t wait to meet our little human. We’ve already seen their tiny hands, waving at us through the ultrasound; we’ve seen their tiny feet, kicking and dancing; we’ve seen them summersault, no doubt showing off for the camera; we’ve heard their little heartbeat, so strong, so fast.
When we allow ourselves to be present with each other, with this tiny baby, when we’re not caught up in planning and back-up planning, it’s amazing how much joy there is to feel. My hope is that even when things become busier, even when we’re faced with more challenge than we thought possible, even when we are sleep deprived and grouchy and wonder if we can really do this, that we can access these moments of presence. That we can access the deep and growing love that we are both trying, continually, to cultivate.
My therapist once said about kids, “Nothing prepares you for how tired you’ll be, for how surprising and difficult it is; and also, nothing prepares you for how much love you’ll have for that kid, for how much you want to care for them.”
She also reminds me repeatedly: “It’s not the lack of conflict or ‘rupture’ that makes a good relationship; it’s the quality of the repair after the rupture.”
Alex: I can’t wait for this journey to continue. Family and friends: I am so glad you’re here with us. May we remember how much we need each other, and how connected we are.
So much love,
Abby
Thank you all, as always, for being here, for reading, and for sharing many of these posts with your friends. I am so, so pumped for this pregnancy and parenthood journey. I am also aware that my teaching schedule will be affected this coming fall & winter (the babe is due mid-November), and again in fall of 2025 (which is when I start grad school!). Because of this, my Fall Equinox Retreat will likely be my last retreat until spring 2026. So I would extra-love to celebrate with you this fall! Our retreat theme: Transitions. (Early bird pricing is on until June 15!)
…and before that, I have another Community Kirtan coming up on Fri, June 14! It’s donation-based, beginner- and kid-friendly, and is sure to soften your hearts:
…and remember to keep your eyes out for some outdoor classes this summer! Wednesdays in July at 8am at the Breathe Building; Tuesdays in August at 6:30pm at various backyards around Portland. More info to come; take care until then. ♥️
congratulations! sending you lots of love!