On Femininity (& My Internalized Patriarchy)
Also, outdoor classes & this fall's retreat
For as long as I can remember, I have hated the designations of “masculine” and “feminine.”
It annoys me that qualities such as compassionate, nurturing, and sensitive are so often grouped as “feminine,” while qualities of assertiveness, strength, and leadership are generally labeled “masculine.” Aren’t these all simply human qualities that anyone can possess?? And isn’t it a little fucked up that society trains girls and women to be “feminine” while it trains boys and men to be “masculine”?? I think it is.
But I also think that maybe I have been annoyed at the wrong things.
Maybe it’s not the categorization of “feminine” and “masculine” that I find so offensive, but the assumption that girls should be feminine, while boys should be masculine - especially in a society where masculine men have historically received far more rights and privileges than feminine folks and women. It’s the rigidity and the hierarchy that are the fucked up parts.
There’s a passage in Glennon Doyle’s Untamed where she proposes: “Rebellion is as much of a cage as obedience is. They both mean living in reaction to someone else’s way instead of forging your own.”
Lately, I have noticed how much I have rebelled against feminine standards, in an effort to prove that I am “not a stereotypical, feminine woman” - as if that would be a bad thing.
I rejected makeup, in part because I did not like the idea of “making up” for something, but also in part because I did not want people to look at me and think, “She must be vain and high maintenance.”
I spent much of my adult life single, in part because I did not want to settle for a relationship that was less than fabulous, but also in part because I liked being seen as independent. “She’s so self-assured, she doesn’t even need a man!” I hoped people would say.
I gravitated toward friendships with men over women, in part because I truly enjoyed these humans’ friendships, but also in part because I felt cool and special for being “in with the guys.” “You’re different from other women,” I wanted them to say - and indeed, some did.
Meanwhile, I kept my hair long, dressed in unmistakably femme clothes, and was generally a flirtatious person, especially toward boys and men. Looking back, I am certain that part of the reason I felt safe enough to reject certain aspects of femininity was that I knew I would still be seen as a woman - as “feminine enough” by society’s standards…
I realize now that the reason for my “rebellion” was actually my internalized patriarchy.
While I thought I was being an independent-minded feminist by “not being too feminine,” I had unwittingly bought into the very belief that I had found so offensive: feminine = womanly = weak, and masculine = manly = strong. I was not simply being me; I was being a version of me that I thought would grant me access to more power. A version of me that believed I could not have power without playing up my masculine traits while playing down my feminine ones.
Of course, this is not necessarily the case for everyone. Some humans genuinely embrace more “masculine” traits, not because they are seeking proximity to power, but because that is what feels most authentic. I do not mean to imply that a woman or generally femme person who presents more masculinely is doing so out of rebellion. This has simply been a part of my experience.
And, now that I am pregnant, I am noticing my relationship to femininity, everywhere.
I am noticing that I gravitate toward people who have and want kids, and to people who are pregnant - many of whom are women, and many of whom are not. I am noticing how comforting - and scary - it is to be around people who have birthed babies, especially women, and especially women who are partnered with men. The first time I noticed this, I felt myself recoil.
That is so stereotypical and heteronormative, Abby! I heard my inner voice say. You shouldn’t need to hang out with women who are partnered with men to feel comfort!
But that is exactly who I have felt a need to connect with, during this pregnancy.
Yes, I also find great comfort spending time with my friends in queer relationships, my nonbinary child-birthing friends, my man-friends who love being dads, my single friends, my friends without kids… I love all my friends dearly, and I love witnessing how many of them are raising their own kids, and how others are loving their lives, without kids. There is no hierarchy.
and
In this moment, I am a pregnant, cisgender, hetero woman, who is married to a cisgender, hetero man. I am also, in many ways, quite “feminine” in my expression: I love caring for living beings; I am highly sensitive and cry easily; I love colors and patterns and textures and dressing up; I have a lot of emotions; I believe the world would be a better place if everyone expressed their emotions more freely…
I am also, in many ways, rather “masculine”: I am assertive and bold, and have no hesitation speaking up for others; I am a natural leader; I can be sarcastic and cynical; I love efficiency and organization and planning and finding solutions; I sometimes get annoyed when people let their feelings get in the way of action…
All of these qualities do not make me more or less of a woman, nor do they make me a better or worse person than anyone else. They are simply qualities I have cultivated, both consciously and unconsciously. Some of them are qualities I cherish; others, not so much.
I went to my first prenatal yoga class a few weeks ago, and as soon as I stepped into the studio, I started crying. It is the same studio where I have taught classes and teacher trainings for the past 9 years; I have stepped into this studio probably three thousand times before. But this time, not only was I stepping in as a student, but also as a pregnant woman who had just announced her pregnancy widely to her friends and students. Even with my baggiest shirts, there was no hiding it anymore.
I started crying, probably in part because of hormones, but also in part because I felt exposed and vulnerable. My body is changing so rapidly, and now, everyone can see it. My life is about to be turned upside down, and suddenly, everyone knows it.
It’s a weird thing, to experience something so personal, something so specific and unique to my body, and also, to be in the same room as several other humans, going through the same thing.
I wanted to be with them, and I was also terrified to be with them.
I want to allow myself to feel the feminine current that runs through me, and to connect with other child-birthing humans, especially women who are, like me, partnered with men. I want to hear how they do it, what their challenges are, how they tend to their relationship with each other, as well as their relationships with their children. I want to do this without judging any of us as stereotypical or cliche. I want to feel whatever I need to feel, and I want to surround myself with people who understand at least some of what I’m experiencing.
I still feel weird about femininity and masculinity, and I still hate how inflexible and polarizing these terms can be. But I am starting to believe that it is not these designations that are confining; it is society that has tried to make them so.
I am so curious to witness how having a child will impact my feelings on gender, socialization, self-expression, and relationships. I would love to think that I will leave plenty of room for my child to be and express however they want to, while encouraging them to be present, reflective, and kind. I am also sure I will be surprised by some of the things that will come out of my mouth, by many of the assumptions I will make, and by how flippin’ hard it is to raise a human being. But my gosh, I am excited to try.
My dear readers: I would love to hear your thoughts. Whatever your gender, and whether you are a parent or not, what have you learned about your relationship with masculinity/ femininity? Do you cringe at these terms, or find them comforting? Both? Neither? I would love to hear what comes up, and what resonates with you.
Sending you so much tenderness and love,
Abby
Upcoming events w/ Abby:
Rooftop Yoga: Wednesdays in July, 8-9am at Atrium
Backyard Yoga: Tuesdays in August, 6:30-7:45pm at Various Locations TBA
Fall Equinox Retreat: Sept 20-22 at Buckhorn Springs*
*Public school employees (and possibly others?) may be able to get reimbursed for attending the retreat… In other words, you could come for free! Email me about how…