Shoulders
Sometimes, she doesn't need you to agree; she just needs you to listen.
A few weeks ago, I was told I needed to rest. I was told this by my physical therapist, my acupuncturist, my husband, and also, my own body.
My mind, however, did not want to listen.
What had started as a sore neck had become a sore upper back, and then an aching shoulder. Soon, my right arm felt like dead weight, and anytime I let my it hang by my side, a dull, warm and vaguely electric pain would radiate from the middle of my neck down to my bicep. I could barely sit at my desk to type, could not lay on my right side, and needed a pillow tucked into my right armpit at all times.
My PT said it was nerve pain from a compressed cervical disk, and that the best thing - indeed, the only thing - that would definitely help was to rest it completely.
My neck and shoulder heard her and were immediately on board: Finally! they sighed. We are so tired!!
But alongside that little sigh was a louder, more obnoxious voice:
NO, it shouted, IF YOU STOP MOVING NOW, YOU’LL NEVER START MOVING AGAIN, AND IF YOU NEVER MOVE AGAIN, THEN YOU’LL NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE, AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW HOW LAZY YOU ARE!!
I have heard this voice many times, and every time, it startles me. Most times, after the initial jolt, I try to ignore or calmly quiet the voice. Oh, settle down, you! I say, trying to seem more confident than I feel. Just relax already!
After a few moments, however, the voice returns, louder and ruder: SERIOUSLY, KRAAI, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! YOU STILL HAVE A MILLION UNFINISHED PROJECTS AND YOU’RE STILL NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON AND YOU SAID YOU’D REST BUT YOU HAVEN’T EVEN DONE THAT PROPERLY YOU JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT BUT NOT ACTUALLY DOING IT YOU JUST KEEP WASTING TIME!!
Isn’t that ironic, I think, because didn’t you just tell me NOT to rest?! Stop gaslighting me!!
This is the point when I usually go running or biking or swimming or swing some kettlebells. I know these aren’t rest, but they do quiet the argument. I can say to the voice, Okay fine, I’m moving now, are you happy?? (Plus, I genuinely like doing these things.)
And it works, for a while.
It works until I get sick, or throw out my back, or get bursitis. It works until I get a neck injury and can’t use my shoulder.
As I lie on the table, my acupuncturist holds my head in his hands. I can feel the muscles in my neck spasm against his fingertips. I take a deep breath, but the twitching continues.
“Everything is tensed,” he says.
“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I would make myself relax, but I’m not sure I know how.”
“Actually, for now, it’s good,” he continues. “It’s tensed because it’s in protection mode. Resting would be great, but I wouldn’t try too hard to ‘relax’ the muscles. They’re holding you together. Trust that they’ll release when it’s safe.”
The tension is holding me together, I think. It will release when it’s safe; I don’t have to force it.
I don’t know how many times I will need to hear this:
I don’t have to force it.
Especially when it comes to relaxing. Which is not the same thing as resting.
Sometimes, when it comes to rest, I do need to be firm with myself. Sometimes, I need to make myself take a day off, or go to bed, even when I don’t entirely want to. I need to remind myself that resting is necessary, and schedule time to do so.
But relaxation cannot be forced, and it cannot be planned. Which is probably why I have such a hard time doing it.
I would prefer if I could plan my relaxation, if I could just schedule the time and make myself relax, because I’m pretty good at making myself do things, until I physically can’t anymore.
I remember several years ago, lying in bed, both hips throbbing. I had what my doctor would later describe as “superbad tendonitis and bursitis in both hips,” but all I knew in the moment was that I was in deep physical pain. I lay there, staring at the ceiling, thinking to myself, “I don’t want to go running tomorrow; I just want to rest. But I have to go running - it’s in my calendar!”
Looking back, this sounds ridiculous; but in the moment, it felt important. The run was in my Google Calendar, where I put all my plans: workouts, dog walks, yoga classes, and, very occasionally, day-long events entitled “No plans!!” My thinking was that once it was in my calendar, I would then have to do it. No thinking, no deliberating, no hemming and hawing, just go. Coaches and goal-setters say it all the time: Just build it into your day and you never have to think about it! That’s how you create great habits!
The only problem is that there is a fine line between a habit and an obsession, and when something becomes an obsession, you think about it constantly. In this way, an obsession is the opposite of a habit.
Running, moving, doing, planning - these had all been developed as habits; then, at some point, they had become obsessions. (Clearly, I did not give myself enough days with “No plans!!”)
So my body did what it had to do: It broke down. It started crying so loud that I could not ignore it, until the pain was louder than the voice shouting, “BUT YOU HAVE TO KEEP MOVING!”
It happened when I got bursitis from running too much. A few years later, it happened when I threw out my back in Lowe’s. And a few weeks ago, it happened again when I hurt my neck and couldn’t use my shoulder.
Years before any of this, I was at a different acupuncturist (who has since become a counselor) with a horrible flu. This was before COVID, back when people were willing to be near each other when someone was sick. I told her how upset I was at my body, how annoyed I was that it had made me so sick, especially when I did so much to try to keep it healthy.
What she replied was so simple:
“Sensation is how our bodies communicate. Try not to be mad at your body for communicating with you.”
I don’t know how many times I will need to hear this:
Try not to be mad at your body for communicating with you.
Sometimes, sensation gets loud because I didn’t listen when it was quiet. I can ignore it, I think, it’s not a big deal, and then I go on, business as usual, until it becomes deafening and impossible to ignore.
I think the same is true for that obnoxious voice who shouts at me - the one who keeps telling me to KEEP MOVING!! I think that maybe she’s so loud, not because she believes she is right, but because I haven’t actually listened to her. I think that maybe she doesn’t even care whether I follow her advice or not; she just needs me to pay attention to her. She needs me to know that she wants me to be safe.
Sometimes, the tension is what’s holding me together.
It will release when it’s safe to release.
In the days that I gave myself to rest, I tried to listen more patiently to my little shouter. And when I asked her what she was actually afraid of - Missing out on life? Not earning money? Disease? Death?? - she replied, almost sheepishly, that she didn’t really know; she just wanted what was best for me. Learning this, I was able to say, genuinely:
Thank you, so much, for communicating with me.
What’s best for me right now is actually to rest.
You can relax if you want to, but I won’t force you.
You can take your time.
Thank you for being here. To read more about this project, or to join me in this creative journey, you can read this post, or simply follow the prompt below:
Choose one part of your body, then write or create something inspired by that part. It can be a poem, an essay, a song - even a painting or a dance! Whatever the creation, let it be an inquiry into your own body, and all the bodies you have been influenced by: parents, ancestors, friends, enemies, doctors, teachers, therapists, pets…
Our next prompt is: NOSE.
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