What does commitment look like?
"The rule that surpasses all rules is that you must be connected, willing to see what's in front of you, and willing to move if what you're doing isn't working." - Terrence Real
What does commitment look like?
My dear humans:
I have been thinking a lot about commitment.
Many of you already know that last week, my partner, Alex, asked me to marry him - in the most joyful, wonderful, ridiculously loving way!
As you might expect, prior to his asking, we had discussed marriage many times, both in the general sense (“What does marriage mean to you? What do you want it to mean?”) and in the specific (“If we were to get married, how would we do it? What would it mean for us?”).
Alex has been married and divorced once before; my father was married and divorced before he married my mom; Alex and I each have several friends who have done the same. Neither of us is under any delusion that marriage is permanent and irreversible, and we know full well that people and circumstances can change in unforeseen ways.
and
We love the idea of committing to each other.
I love the idea of doing my absolute best to grow and evolve, both as my own person, and as a loving partner.
I love the idea of learning more about myself in relationship than I could possibly learn alone.
I love the idea of turning toward difficulty and conflict, trusting that we can handle it.
And what’s even better than loving these “ideas” is the fact that, so far, I have loved these things in practice:
I have loved learning more about myself and Alex when we have had difficult conversations.
I have loved arriving at new perspectives together - perspectives that could only reveal themselves through conflicting views, patience, and discussion.
And I have loved the feeling of mutual trust - a trust that neither of us will throw up our hands and take the easy way out. A trust that we are both determined to keep trying and learning and trying again, even and especially when it’s hard.
It’s a wild feeling, getting engaged for the first time at almost 38. After so many years of being single, so many years of trying to convince myself that I didn’t need partnership, that I was fine without anyone else, I started to question the very notions of love and commitment. But it turns out, both still exist, if we choose them.
Because I’ve spent so much time thinking about love in an embodied sense, I can’t help but draw a parallel to the body:
Loving our bodies does not mean we think our bodies are the best, or even better than anyone else’s. Loving our bodies does not even mean we always feel good about them.
Loving our bodies means that we listen to them when they have something to say. It means having patience with them when they are tired and aching. It means choosing to appreciate them, knowing that some things about them will inevitably change, while others never will. It means offering them nourishing food, movement, rest, and anything else that encourages them to heal and strengthen. It means trusting that all the care we put into them is worth it.
In other words, loving requires commitment.
It is not a perfect analogy, I know. For one, we all have a body, right here, permanently attached to us (or at least, as permanent as anything in this life can be); we do not have a partner permanently attached to us. And second, we didn’t choose the body we’re living in, whereas we generally do choose our partner. But I dare say we all have at least a few people in our lives that we are deeply connected to, and that are, for all intents and purposes, strongly attached to us (some of whom we didn’t choose).
So whether it’s your partner, a lifelong friend, your mom, your sister, your uncle, your kid, I invite you to take a moment:
Put your hands on your heart (or even their heart, if they’re around and into the idea). Close your eyes. Let yourself simply feel the energy of your heart, and the resonance of theirs.
Once you’ve given yourself time to feel, think of one simple, easy thing you can commit to that reminds you of your love for them. Maybe it’s giving them a hug every morning, or a kiss every night, or making more intentional eye contact when you’re talking. Maybe it’s putting your phone in another room during meals, or holding their hand every time you cross the street together. Whatever it is, let it be simple, let it be easy. Then commit to it. Let that commitment be just a little itty bitty manifestation of your immense love for this person. Trust that it means more than you know.
I love you all, so much, and I am so excited to share this life with all of you. What a friggin gift it is!
Big hugs,
Abby
Also, speaking of the Breathe Building, some HOT NEWS: I'll be adding an evening class to my schedule: Join me for more Vinyasa on Thursdays at 5:30pm! Yay!