Getting Back Out There
Writings from the pandemic
Hello, dear friends and readers,
In my last post, I mentioned (among other things) a collection of stories I wrote during COVID lockdown. Today, I thought it would be fun to share one of those stories with y’all - and by fun, I mean a little terrifying for me (because I never share my fiction pieces, especially semi-autobiographical ones) and hopefully fun for you!
(Isn’t it hilarious how, when a writer writes the thing they need to write most, they never want to share it, and also, feel like they absolutely have to share it? That’s how I’m feeling about these pieces…)
So here’s the first one I wrote, called “Getting Back Out There.” It’s a little longer than my usual posts, so settle in with a cup of tea or a crumpet or something… I hope you enjoy it! :)
Love,
Abby
P.S. If you’re on this email list mostly for the yoga updates, feel free to skip the large block of text below, and know this:
Community Kirtan - coming up next Friday, June 14, 7:30pm. Donation-based; no experience needed; kids welcome!
Fall retreat - early bird prices are in effect through Saturday, June 15 - that’s one week from today! On June 16, prices go up 15%. So if you want to come, and want to save some ducats, consider signing up by next Saturday!
You can read more summer schedule updates in this post. Okay, happy reading…
Getting Back Out There
Hi! I’m so glad you’re not a catfish!
Sorry, was that weird?
Let me start again.
Hi! It’s so nice to meet you! A real person!
I haven’t seen a lot of people in the last year. I know, none of us has, but I’ve barely dated either, so I haven’t even had any human touch to speak of. Plus, my last relationship ended four years before quarantine even started! Not that I’m expecting you to touch me, or for this to turn into a relationship or anything…
I’m sorry.
Starting over.
Hi! I’m so glad to meet you! It’s nice to actually connect, in person!
The crazy thing is, before the quarantine, I was one of those people who said, “I don’t need to be in a relationship. It would be nice, sure, but it’s not like I’m going to die without it!” But I have to admit that I’ve changed my mind. I can say with utmost confidence that I will die if I don’t find a partner - I guess I mean, die prematurely, because obviously we’re all dying. Ha! Anyway, there are actually studies on it - did you know that? - saying that single people don’t live as long as married people. And it’s not just a correlation; it’s actual causation! Single people die earlier - like 15 years earlier, on average - than married people - isn’t that wild? Something about a lack of wealth and resources, because obviously, one person, one income; two people, double income, usually - plus, the lack of “intimate connection.” Ha! That’s the part that used to trip me up, because obviously you can have “intimate connection” with people you’re not partnered with or married to, like friends, right?! But after this past year, where the only “intimate connections” I had were with friends, I have to say, it’s just not the same. If I don’t have sex with someone in the next, I don’t know, year? I am going to die. Not to say -
Sorry.
Okay…
Hi! It’s so great to meet you in person.
Of course, I feel like I already know you - that’s kind of the beautiful thing, isn’t it? About getting to know each other through messaging first? Like, I wouldn’t have wasted my time meeting you in person if I didn’t get good vibes over text. Ha ha, just being honest. Anyway, I guess I’m saying that it’s nice to feel like I already kind of know you, so we can actually talk about real stuff! Because honestly, I’m 35, and I am not trying to waste anyone’s time, especially my own! And I can usually tell within a few seconds of meeting someone if I’ll get along with them or not - and for the record, I can tell we will - and I’d rather just get into it, get everything out on the table, you know? Because I’m absolutely looking for a long-term partnership. And, like I said in my profile, I’m not interested in polyamory, or ethical non monogamy, or whatever. I have nothing against them, truly, but they’re just not for me. And I know, some people argue that monogamy isn’t natural, that being with one person is just not how humans are meant to be - but isn’t that kind of shaming? Like, isn’t telling me that my desire to be with one person is “unnatural” just like telling a woman who wants to be with a woman that her sexuality is “unnatural”? Just let us love who we want to love, how we want to love them!
Anyway, I was glad to see that you’re also interested in something long-term, is maybe my point. Not that I want to apply any pressure, or anything - we just met! Ha ha! It’s just that I’ve gone on too many dates with dudes who tell me, five dates in, that they “really like me,” but they “just can’t be in a relationship.” And every time I’m like, “You couldn’t have figured that out before you started dating me?!”
Like this one guy who had a huge crush on me for months - and he was super shy, but also really funny and smart. And I basically had to ask him out, otherwise nothing was going to happen. And then, get this, he didn’t even put it together that it was a date, so then I had to be the one to kiss him, too! And sure, maybe you could argue that was too forward, but I just could feel that he was super into me, and then he told me was super into me, and so I was like, okay, good, I’m glad I kissed you! And so we hung out a LOT for like eight days, and then all of a sudden he told me that he “really liked me” but he “just couldn’t be in a relationship.” So I was like, WHAT THE FUCK, WHY DID YOU JUST WASTE MY TIME, YOU ASS. But of course, I didn’t say that because I wanted to be compassionate. Also, I was definitely hoping he would change his mind in the future, and so I didn’t want to be mean, just to increase my chances. ANYWAY, whatever. I’m seriously over him! Even though I know it doesn’t sound like it.
Shit.
Trying again…
Hi! This is so great, meeting in person!
I really appreciated what you said in your profile, and in all of our conversations so far. I feel like we already get along! It is funny though, isn’t it, how sometimes people are so different in person?
Like there was this one guy I matched with a long time ago - he was super handsome in his profile, funny in our text conversations, not to mention, actually responsive (which, as I’m sure you know, is hard to find!). And then I saw him in real life, and was instantly like, “No, absolutely not, get me out of here.” Which I know sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it to - it was just his vibes! He was perfectly nice, and he wasn’t unattractive, but I guess, to me he was. I just don’t think I’m into leather jackets and neck tattoos. Ha! Plus he rode a motorcycle, and I just can’t picture myself ever riding a motorcycle. Also, his eye contact was all over the place! He could barely look at me for a few seconds before looking somewhere else, or taking a sip of his drink, and I just thought that was weird. But then I felt obliged to stay there and play the whole game of trivia, even though I knew I wasn’t attracted to him, even though he was awful at trivia and didn’t even want to try! Ugh.
Anyway, I guess that’s the annoying thing about dating, right?! You can think someone is super handsome or hot or beautiful or whatever, but then when you’re face to face with them, and you ask yourself, “Would I actually have sex with this person?” and the very thought of it can make you want to puke. Not that you make me want to puke. Fuck. I did it again.
Okay.
Okay.
We can do this.
Hi! So nice to actually meet you.
I appreciated what you said in your text, about how “we’re all feeling lonely right now,” and that “it would be nice to be lonely together!” Amen! One thing I appreciate about quarantine is that it has really normalized feeling lonely - which is something I have been feeling for years! Basically, ever since my dad died (I told you that, right?), I have felt like everyone I love will just end up leaving me. Ha ha! I mean, it’s not funny, but you know… I laugh because it’s easier than crying.
It’s just that, sometimes I think actual loneliness is so much different from what people think of when they talk about it. I have friends who say they’re lonely when their partner is on a weekend trip, and I want to scream at them, YOU’RE NOT LONELY IF YOU KNOW HE’S COMING BACK, YOU ASS. Actual loneliness is when you are actually alone, and you don’t want to be, and you cannot see or talk to the person you most want to see and talk to. Ever. And in knowing this, you know that part of you will always be lonely.
I remember the day after my dad’s memorial service, I just sat in front of the poster of pictures and sobbed. It was the first time I understood the phrase “broken heart,” because it literally felt like my heart was breaking - or squeezing or melting or something. Something that a heart should not be doing. I just sobbed and sobbed and could not believe that I would never see this man again, that I would never hear his voice or feel the warmth of his skin. That is loneliness.
A couple years ago, I realized that I had this pattern of dating people I wasn’t super into - and I think it was absolutely because I didn’t want to fall in love and then have him leave, because I couldn’t handle the pain of it, or even the idea of it. But don’t worry - I’m not in that phase anymore. I think you’re really cool!
Goddammit.
Fuck this…
Hi! We’re talking now.
I’m 35, and I’ve been single since 31. I want a child more than anything, so if you’re not interested in fathering my children, you can just fuck right off. Now here’s a little about me:
I’ve eaten oatmeal every morning for the past 15 years.
I hate when people say “let’s just play it by ear.”
I love my dog more than anything. Except my family. They are tied. My dog is part of my family.
It takes me a solid two hours to fully wake up in the morning. Please don’t expect me to talk to you during that time.
I am very grumpy if I don’t have snacks.
I think about sex all the time, but if I had to give up massages or orgasms for the rest of my life, I would give up orgasms, no question.
I have only recently started watching television shows. I now see why everyone watches television shows.
If I grow to love you, I will pick your black heads. I will not ask first, rather, you will feel my fingernails on your back when you’re leaned over the sink, brushing your teeth. I will apologize for pinching, and, as long as you have grown to love me too, you will forgive me. I will make you look at my winnings, every time.
I mistrust people who use the phrase “clean eating.”
My left boob is significantly larger than my right boob; for this reason, I only wear sports bras.
Every time I think about having a kid, I cry.
Every time I think about raising a kid with someone I love, I cry harder.
If you reply to a text with the word “sure,” I will insist that it have an exclamation point after it, otherwise I will believe you are angry with me. (Note: If you are in fact angry with me, I will insist that you tell me in a way that is not via text, nor via one unpunctuated word.)
After any important thing that I do - especially anything with an audience - I will obsess over it for the following 48 hours, wondering if I should have done it differently. This will annoy you, but not as much as it annoys me.
Every time I unsubscribe from an email list, I feel guilty and sad as I imagine someone on the other side receiving an email saying, “You lost a subscriber.” For this reason, I always add a note that says, “I’m just getting too many emails in general! I support your work!”
Sometimes I wonder if I’m never meant to have a partner - if I’m meant only to be a teacher, or a student, but never an equal.
I will send you more pictures of my dog than you want; you will get used to it.
I make lists when I’m stressed. After the lists, I will dance.
I cannot live with anyone who counts their calories, or who insists that they “like to eat light.”
I get outrageously, absurdly angry when my dog doesn’t poop before bed. I think this is because I have spent most of my life repressing anger.
I cannot stand arrogant people, and am constantly afraid that I will be perceived as one. I am also constantly afraid of how I will be perceived, in general.
If I grow to love you, I will want to touch you all the time.
I want nothing more than to be in love, even if it ends, even if it kills me.
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